A Rant for Someone Who Doesn't Deserve One

Okay. I was jealous.
I was very jealous.
I was extremely jealous,
especially when it someone that says they love me.
I'm not one to generally spill emotions all over the net,
but damn. I need to say this, and it's been killing me.
And hey, you'll never see it anyways.

It bothers me a lot when someone says "I love you" and then
doesn't want attachment. What the hell does that even mean, then?
"Oh sweetie, I love you, but I don't want you to get attached."
Ridiculous.
Love may mean different things to different people, but fuck off if that's
what you think it is. I'm not around for your convenience.

Protection? I don't need it.
You make me sick. I hate it when you think
you're doing the right thing
and that everyone else should just follow along.
I hate that you think you can do whatever the hell you want and
expect me to be fine with it.
I hate that you paint me to be the bad guy here,
and then leave me high and dry.

You're just as much a coward as you were a year ago.
Go on, run away, just like you did with her.
I guess I should be sorry I told you to apologize to her,
but fuck that.
At least now I know what a sack of scum you are.
You made me weak,
it's time to get back on my feet
and start kicking shit down.

You made me feel every kind of insecurity I have ever known,
self-hate, disgust, flat out insecurity, jealousy like none I've ever experienced...
You bring out the ugliest parts of me and
put them on display.
I don't need you,
but I wanted you here with me.

"Staying friends". What a joke.
Staying friends generally means
either we stop talking altogether
or we're actually genuinely friendly.
You? You act like you're my friend, like it's totally fine
and then snap like the little bitch that you are.

I love that you think people give a shit about your opinions.
Surprise, they don't!
That's why you have so much drama around you,
why no one wants to stick around,
why you're alone.
"You're the only one that's real with me", HA.
You said that to my best friend, too.
You used those same shitty cliches with that other girl.
How much of what you say is really true?

And really, that girl?
Of all the people to make me jealous of
you had to pick that
ugly
fat
acne-ridden
sack of hypocrisy?
The very same one who rubbed it in my face almost every day
that I was just left by the person I loved most,
that she talks to you
and I don't?
Ah, first loves never work out.
It's a shame I thought you were any different.

It's a shame I wasted my time on you,
my independence,
my self-respect,
my control
on a shit like you.
What am I now? Groundless. Unhappy.
Easily angered. That's not how I was before you.
You made me ugly.

I've wanted to say these things to you for years,
YEARS.
And I never did, because I knew this would happen.
"Tell me everything, I want to know more about you."
False? Every time I say something you don't want to hear,
you clam up, retreat back into your little comfort zone
because that's all you can handle.
The world is such a big, bad place, little boy.
You have no idea what the fuck it is that your words mean
and that's incredibly dangerous.
I'm done being concerned.
I'm done trying.
I'm done with everything.

I wanted to be your friend
because you were such a huge influence in my life.
You gave me so much happiness,
but the way you slammed my face in the dirt hurt a thousand times worse.
Did you even mean half the things you said to me?
Please, just think
about the words
that you say.

Words have such unbelievable importance,
and you toss them every which way you deem fit.
You can't do that
and expect everything to be just fine.
You lord yourself over people.
I wonder if you ever realized that.

Stop playing the Holy Avenger here.
You're not that great,
you don't have to act like other people are just
begging for your help.
They're not.
You mess things up on your own.
Not for anyone else.
There are ways to handle issues
without saying someone is immature and stupid
for a stupid mistake.
Obviously not the way to handle things.

I may not know much about you,
but the way you have been acting is childish and frankly,
disgusting.

I'm sorry we couldn't be friends,
but I'm not so sure I want to be if you're
just going to act the way you do.

I'm going to find someone that can mean it
when they say those three words.
I'm sorry you weren't him.

what happened here?

what in the world happened to kids these days?
men- well, hardly men seeing as they're still in high school, but sweet jesus.
there's a limit to immaturity, you know?

im not expecting a teenage boy
to open a door for me on the rare occasion,
but is it really so much to ask for them to
not stare like starved dogs at a steak
when a girl walks by?
or maybe to just pretend they're not?
it's one thing if she wants you to look,
it's another if you're raping a girl you don't even know
visually.

its irritating that kids this age just don't get it.
i'm not saying girls are much better,
wearing scraps of clothing that hardly cover any of the important bits
[not that we all don't from time to time haha].
sometimes i wonder if we encourage this though.
that "boys will be boys" thing is complete bs,
i've seen plenty of guys in their 20s-30's who still
cant read a girl for their lives, but where do your parents come into this?
can this really all be blamed on the media and society?
of course not. family life isn't the same anymore.
with parents constantly at work or just too busy for their kids
it must be tough instilling virtues and morals.

its just a matter of politeness. people don't
teach their kids the difference between right and wrong
or show them how to treat a lady. hell,
girls don't even know how to act like a lady, much less
give others incentive to treat them like one.
that's all very general of course,
complete with a granny waving her cane at those hoodlums
to get off her lawn.

people dont think about the same things.
whatever happened to thinking about consequences and life and
the things that matter? sometimes i wonder if
people go on only thinking about the here and now
where will we be after?

i know plenty of kids who push themselves in school
and are striving to become people with a future.
i also know kids who just dont give a damn,
and i think it's kinda sad.
when did it become okay to just
accept mediocrity?
the absolute minimum?

when did it become okay to just
run to a psychiatrist when you have a problem
instead of working it out? disease after disease
used as an excuse to shove your children's issues
onto someone else.
anger issues? depression? jesus, you know there's a problem
when 10 year olds start
having issues like that.

of course, there are always the exceptions.
maybe they do have a problem, maybe they do have a reason
but ... it's sad that i even have to worry
about the state of the nation
when we take over.

Sometimes It's Okay

[first post without a number in the title! say jiggawhaaat?]

I've been listening to a lot of my old favorites lately.
I wonder if it's a subconscious desire to change back to the way I used to be
before this all just started spiralling out of control.
I guess it's just that age, that time, that year that life that ... something.

I don't like making decisions, I'm incredibly indecisive
and it takes me at least an hour to decide whether or not
I want to shave my legs or maybe
if I should do this instead of that.
How the hell am i supposed to know then what all the choices
I should be making for the future?

I used to know what I wanted, or at the very least,
I was okay with not knowing. I wonder when everything just stopped being
what it was supposed to be.
It's like I regressed back into childhood- i went from a little girl with the mind of a little old lady
to a little old lady with the mind of a child.
Don't people usually call that crazy?
I'm not crazy.
Though my mood swings have been?

Up down Up down
down
down
down
Water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink.
Well, that was my whine for the week,
time to suck it up and
get back on track
[whatever that means].

Confusion with a Capital 4

I never knew I was a zombie when I woke up. I'm usually so chipper in the mornings- why are naps different? Screw you , REM sleep.

I wanna go someplace where I can't speak a bit of the language and just sit there to listen.
I don't care if none of this really makes sense, and no I'm not drunk or high, just extremely tired.
I just want to sit and watch life pass me by, no decisions, no motivation, just.. being. I wanna just exist for a little while, take a break from the grind.
I'm tired of people.
Just tired.
You know the feeling.

I make a lot of bad decisions lately, and I've changed a lot.
I'm not sure what to think about it.
Yayy hormones.

third time's a charm

So... I haven't posted anything in a while.
Lately I've been busy, I guess. I get home from school, eat, head off to kickboxing [something about those huge red bags remind me so badly of my ex , I just can't help but sink my foot into it. I think it might be because they're bigger than I am.], shower, run off to the office I work at, get home around 10.30 or so and finish as much work as I can pin my eyes open to see before crawling to bed. I'm the kind of person that needs oh, about 30 hours of sleep? I can never get enough of lazing around in bed, and it's sufficient to say I haven't gotten enough sleep lately.

On the weekends, when school isn't sapping the life out of me, I'm baking or cooking or making some sort of thing to gobble up. I've turned into some sort of Susie Homemaker, and I honestly love it. There's something so satisfying about making every little thing from scratch, I'm addicted. I've slowly been spiralling out of control, about every minute I'm thinking "ah, what should I make for lunch? Maybe I'll make something sweet today."

When I'm stressed or upset, I cook/bake. Today I made cheesy biscuits and the ganache for truffles. Speaking of which, I don't think it's even set yet, after ... 5 hours? hahaha. i miiiight have added too much vanilla extract. It tastes delicious though, and if it hasn't set by tomorrow, I'm making cupcakes instead and using the ganache as a frosting. Mini cupcakes, of course, to fit into the obscenely small muffin tin I bought recently. The truffles are a present for my best friend's mother, it was her birthday recently. She's such a sweet woman, and there are times I feel like she just doesn't get pampered like she should. I think after you have kids, you kinda stop caring about taking care of yourself so much. I guess it's kinda 'cause you don't really have a choice. What a sad thought.

Before I pass out, I think I'm going to crawl into bed and snooze my life away <3
[I don't understand you crazies who say sleep is a waste of time. ]

its always better the second time around , baby.

a pretty idea from a pretty friend.

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You know, I've always been there for him. Through the rain, the wind, the sweat, the tears, I've always been there. When he first started running, oh, he was so sweet. I was naive, fresh off the belt and my heart still skips a beat when I remember the way his eyes would dance with childish awe when he looked at me. I had never felt so special, so alive. His hands would tenderly undo my laces after a particularly exciting run, the sheer love and respect his fingers lavished on me was dizzying.

We needed each other. Whether it was a good day, a bad day, or one of those days he just couldn't feel anything at all, he'd pick me up, lace me up and we'd go out. I never minded, of course. He took care of me, polished me and gave me every little desire. Best of all, I liked being used. I loved the way his weight crushed me down, every little nuance of his body working to keep up, and best of all, the fact that I was helping him achieve his dreams. I lived for him.

Then she came along, all perfectly proportioned padding and shiny new. I watched while my stomach twisted into knots, I watched as he lavished the love i had once owned onto this newer, better... thing. Sure I'd gotten a bit older, I didn't have the same sheen as I used to, and my edges were fraying, but couldn't he still use me? Wasn't I special to him? Didn't he love me once?

He uses me on occasion, and I cringe when he touches me. Of course, not because I can't stand his touch, but because I know exactly how much I've craved it. Even if he doesn't show it, I can feel the dissatisfaction in his step. He doesn't give me anything, so how can he take it all away? I'm disgusted with myself. He's just another man, move on. They come and go, and I've lost my purpose here. I tell myself to stop hanging around where I'm not needed. He only uses me when it's rainy outside, so his precious, newer, better, prettier shoes don't get ruined.

The idea was to write from a pair of shoes POV. "She" had been used by a runner for a very long time, until he got a new pair.

first time. . . was it good for you too ?

haha, first post! alright, straight to the point.

IMMORTALITY

a lot of things make me angry, one example is immortality, or rather, the idolization of the ideal.
y'see, immortality's not really all that cracked up in my opinion. sure, you get to live real long and get to look like a shar pei, but is it really all that great?
let's say thanks to some "miracle drug" your body doesn't deteriorate,
it stays perfectly the same as when you were say, in your 20's.
you could go out and do anything, learn anything, be whoever you wanted to be.
but for how long would that entertain you?

say you find a pretty girl/boy/transsexual and the two of you are in love. the two of you
manage to not hate each other too terribly and get married, you get your freak on and have some babies. great! congrats, really. but what now? you don't age at all, you look exactly as you did on your wedding day while your wife/husband steadily deteriorates. their bones, their memories, everything is gone while you? you're just the same. you're stuck forever. your wife dies, your children die, their children die and you're just the same. sure, you can make new friends but nothing will ever be the same. is living forever really all that great if you have to sacrifice a lifetime of happiness with the ones you love most?

i want to live for a while. i want to see my children become successful, strong individuals, get married, have kids, the whole spiel. but i guess the biggest thing for me is i don't want to feel that "helpless little old woman" feeling. i'm independent, i don't like having to lean on others for anything. that's it. maybe if the miracle drug that proved immortality were created, i might not have to deteriorate or be helpless, but y'know, i wouldn't take it. i'm here for a purpose, i'll fulfill it and leave when it's my time. a bit old fashioned maybe, but hey, what's wrong with that?