A Rant for Someone Who Doesn't Deserve One

Okay. I was jealous.
I was very jealous.
I was extremely jealous,
especially when it someone that says they love me.
I'm not one to generally spill emotions all over the net,
but damn. I need to say this, and it's been killing me.
And hey, you'll never see it anyways.

It bothers me a lot when someone says "I love you" and then
doesn't want attachment. What the hell does that even mean, then?
"Oh sweetie, I love you, but I don't want you to get attached."
Ridiculous.
Love may mean different things to different people, but fuck off if that's
what you think it is. I'm not around for your convenience.

Protection? I don't need it.
You make me sick. I hate it when you think
you're doing the right thing
and that everyone else should just follow along.
I hate that you think you can do whatever the hell you want and
expect me to be fine with it.
I hate that you paint me to be the bad guy here,
and then leave me high and dry.

You're just as much a coward as you were a year ago.
Go on, run away, just like you did with her.
I guess I should be sorry I told you to apologize to her,
but fuck that.
At least now I know what a sack of scum you are.
You made me weak,
it's time to get back on my feet
and start kicking shit down.

You made me feel every kind of insecurity I have ever known,
self-hate, disgust, flat out insecurity, jealousy like none I've ever experienced...
You bring out the ugliest parts of me and
put them on display.
I don't need you,
but I wanted you here with me.

"Staying friends". What a joke.
Staying friends generally means
either we stop talking altogether
or we're actually genuinely friendly.
You? You act like you're my friend, like it's totally fine
and then snap like the little bitch that you are.

I love that you think people give a shit about your opinions.
Surprise, they don't!
That's why you have so much drama around you,
why no one wants to stick around,
why you're alone.
"You're the only one that's real with me", HA.
You said that to my best friend, too.
You used those same shitty cliches with that other girl.
How much of what you say is really true?

And really, that girl?
Of all the people to make me jealous of
you had to pick that
ugly
fat
acne-ridden
sack of hypocrisy?
The very same one who rubbed it in my face almost every day
that I was just left by the person I loved most,
that she talks to you
and I don't?
Ah, first loves never work out.
It's a shame I thought you were any different.

It's a shame I wasted my time on you,
my independence,
my self-respect,
my control
on a shit like you.
What am I now? Groundless. Unhappy.
Easily angered. That's not how I was before you.
You made me ugly.

I've wanted to say these things to you for years,
YEARS.
And I never did, because I knew this would happen.
"Tell me everything, I want to know more about you."
False? Every time I say something you don't want to hear,
you clam up, retreat back into your little comfort zone
because that's all you can handle.
The world is such a big, bad place, little boy.
You have no idea what the fuck it is that your words mean
and that's incredibly dangerous.
I'm done being concerned.
I'm done trying.
I'm done with everything.

I wanted to be your friend
because you were such a huge influence in my life.
You gave me so much happiness,
but the way you slammed my face in the dirt hurt a thousand times worse.
Did you even mean half the things you said to me?
Please, just think
about the words
that you say.

Words have such unbelievable importance,
and you toss them every which way you deem fit.
You can't do that
and expect everything to be just fine.
You lord yourself over people.
I wonder if you ever realized that.

Stop playing the Holy Avenger here.
You're not that great,
you don't have to act like other people are just
begging for your help.
They're not.
You mess things up on your own.
Not for anyone else.
There are ways to handle issues
without saying someone is immature and stupid
for a stupid mistake.
Obviously not the way to handle things.

I may not know much about you,
but the way you have been acting is childish and frankly,
disgusting.

I'm sorry we couldn't be friends,
but I'm not so sure I want to be if you're
just going to act the way you do.

I'm going to find someone that can mean it
when they say those three words.
I'm sorry you weren't him.